Jim Cogley: Reflections Tues 10 Oct 23 – Mon 16 Oct 23
Revealing Statements
Tues 10 Oct – Sight and Insight
Sometimes we make statements that are spontaneous, unrehearsed, seldom reflected upon or even remarked at. Yet they can contain a treasure trove of vital information about what might be happening beneath the surface of our lives and probably causing us grief. By becoming aware of these is not to become discouraged, no more than by becoming aware of our reactions to events and situations need be seen in a negative light. Often, they can be the cave that we fear to enter, even though it contains the treasure that our heart seeks. Such statements, if we reflect on them, can reveal so much wisdom and insight and serve us well on our journey of awareness. The photo shown is of a gannet, a large seabird renowned for his sight. Here he is carved in a reflective pose, preening his feathers. A second look will reveal another much smaller bird, looking in the opposite direction, It’s a piece that reflects the truth that from reflection comes insight, and this is the wisdom we need to lead fuller and more enriched lives.
Wed Oct 11th – ‘The children were my whole life’
This statement, ‘The children were my life’ was spoken in the past tense, with great sadness, by a woman who felt disowned and abandoned by her three adult children. It revealed huge hurt, disappointment, loneliness and rejection. Through their growing years she had given them her all under very difficult circumstances as a single mother. It was something she could not in any way understand, how they could be so cruel and ungrateful at this stage in her life especially when she was now left on her own. She even felt they were sidelining her in having access to the grandkids. Needless to say they had their reasons. Being deserted by her husband early in the marriage she had made the children her life and lived for and through them. They had become the source of her identity and were filling the emotional void in her life. While they had left home, she had not let them go, but still held onto an unconscious expectation that they and their children could prevent her from feeling the full extent of her loneliness. It was her neediness that they were reacting towards and protecting their children from having to perpetuate what they had experienced.
Thurs Oct 12th – ‘He’s never at home’
This was spoken by a lady who had grown accustomed to spending most evenings on her own over many years while her husband found excuses to be anywhere other than at home. Two issues were dovetailing in this case. As a child of nine his mother had died and the home became an uncomfortable and empty place. He grew used to always being somewhere else other than his own home. The homes of friends and neighbours were always better, warmer and more welcoming than his own. Later he got married, but with this pattern well established, he unconsciously continued it without seeing anything wrong. It appeared as if his wife had become his mother who had left him, and so was invisible to the extent that he was unable to see her needs. For her it was extra painful because her father had deserted the home while she was still a child. For her part she was bringing a host of unmet needs into the relationship, and unconsciously expecting her husband to be father as well as husband.
Fri Oct 13th – ‘She was my whole life’
This was a very sad statement made by a man who had lost his wife seven years earlier. Time had not eased his pain or healed the wound of loss. They had met, fell in love and got married quite young while he was still living at home. In effect he had never separated from his mother with whom he had an extremely close but somewhat enmeshed relationship. His wife became a mother substitute and he regularly referred to her as ‘mum’ but seldom called her by her own name. In effect she was his identity, to the point that in new company he would introduce himself as this lady’s husband. She was an extrovert, and comfortable in social settings, while he was shy and introverted. As long as she was around he felt complete and able to cope. Unconsciously he had built up a lifelong dependency, not unlike using a drug, whereby he never had to face the pain of being separated from his mother or face the challenge of growing up and becoming socially adaptable.
Sat Oct 14th – ‘The lights went out and never came back on’
The man who spoke this was well into his forties, apparently happily married with four children and a successful business. He was referring to his granny with whom he had been very close, and would say that since her death, when he was eight, he had always carried a deep sadness. They were extremely close and he even slept in her bed. When she died he felt a light had been extinguished in his heart that nothing or no one could ever replace. What appeared like simple unresolved grief was much more complicated. As her first grandson he had been named after her much loved brother who had drowned while still a child. This man was not just her grandson but also her brother substitute. Here was a classic case of complicated grief that was preventing him from letting go because there was so much more to let go of than he had been aware. With our limited vision of what happens on the other side we might even suspect that because of who he represented gran may not have let go of him either!
Sun Oct 15th – Wedding Feast
Jesus was a master storyteller and using the simplest of illustrations drawn from ordinary life he presented the most profound truths. Stories of farmers and fishermen, shepherds and merchants formed the backdrop for his entire message. Every time we hear a story no matter how familiar we are with it we truly have never heard it before. It’s as if we are hearing it for the first time because every time we listen we are in a different place and so the story can speak to us in a different way.
The Gospel story for today is where Jesus compares the kingdom of God to a joyful wedding feast to which all are invited but not everybody comes. In fact the very ones you would expect to be the first are the last and the last anyone would expect to be there are the first. The image of God that comes across is of a generous host who really knows how to throw a good party. The first invitations are extended to the chosen but when they refuse the invitation is sent out to the highways and byways, to the good and bad alike. The good news is that God wants everyone to be saved and none to be lost. In other words he want everyone to be a part of his party. No one is outside the circle of his love except those who chose to be.
As so often happens in his parables there is a twist at the end that is like a story within a story. In this case the master comes into the banquet and finds someone without a wedding garment and with uncharacteristic cruelty has him unceremoniously thrown out. The man was probably poor and unable to afford proper clothing. Why did the host act that way? In the Jewish wedding feasts garments were provided for all the guests. It helped do away with social or religious status and all guests were to be regarded as equals. This man by not wearing the garment was publicly insulting his host by not putting on what was provided. The symbolism here is quite significant. Our own worthiness to be in the banquet is not in question. It is a given that we are unworthy on our own merits, our good works will never make us good enough. The garment is therefore a symbol of the free gift of salvation that is offered to us in Christ. It is by virtue of our relationship with him that we can stand worthy in the sight of God and not by virtue of our own efforts. In other words our access to God is by way of Christ so he reminds us that we cannot come to the Father except through him. This is something that demands conversion and trust. If we have truly accepted Christ in our lives as Lord and Saviour then we can truly say that in Christ we are as acceptable and as loved as Christ. That is essentially the mystery that we celebrate in the Eucharist, that just as the drop of water is mixed with the wine and becomes inseparable from it so in union with Christ our lives are acceptable to God.
Mon Oct 16th – ‘And after all I did…’
This common statement is often followed by, ‘This is how I get treated’ or ‘This is the thanks I get.’ Such statements are very revealing and call into question our underlying motives for what we were doing in the first place. Consciously we can stand over our actions as having acted with the best of intentions while underneath, if we have the courage to look, there may have been lots of other factors that we were not aware of. In a community setting we may have given generously of our time and energy and not feel appreciated. However, was my contribution freely given, or to satisfy my need to belong, or even to be in control? The quality of the seed sown will always be revealed when fully grown. Controlling personalities will often do much more than their share in order that their position remains secure since no one else could possibly do all that he or she is doing. Similarly, it’s very easy for a generous personality to give out of a need for personal approval or from a need to be needed.