Jim Cogley: Reflections Tues 24th Oct – Mon 30st Oct
Tue 24th Oct – When I Loved Myself Enough
Some years ago a woman named Kim McMillian, after a lifetime suffering from doubt and self-criticism, discovered the importance of loving herself, and the incredible difference it made in every aspect of her life. It was the key that unlocked the dungeon of the torture chamber into which she had imprisoned herself. Shortly afterwards she wrote a book where each page contained just a few lines relating to her newfound discovery. It has the catchy title, When I loved myself enough, it was very popular and had huge sales worldwide. Unfortunately she died just a few months after writing the book. At only 53, and not knowing she was ill, this was to be her essence and final message to the world. The book is still available so I am not going to reproduce her work. However on a recent retreat I invited the participants to write their own book based on the same title. This weeks reflections are based largely on what they came up with, and when finished reading you might like to write your own and perhaps email them to me so I can compile for a future posting – frjimcogley@gmail.com
The Divine Embrace
Wed 25th Oct – (2)
When I loved myself enough, I would allow things to happen and not try and force them.
When I loved myself enough, I would allow others to be who they are and not try and change them.
When I loved myself enough, I would admit when I am wrong and not just say ‘sorry’.
When I loved myself enough, I would feel my feelings and not try to analyze them.
When I loved myself enough, I would befriend my difficult emotions and so give them space to transform.
Thurs 26th Oct – (3)
When I loved myself enough, I would not try and change myself, Instead I would accept myself as I am with all my imperfections.
When I loved myself enough, I would stop being critical and judgmental towards myself and others.
When I loved myself enough, I would not argue with my hunches and go more with my gut instincts.
When I loved myself enough, I would stop blaming others and take responsibility for my own feelings and reactions.
When I loved myself enough, I would stop playing it safe and take far more risks with the game of life.
When I loved myself enough, I would allow myself to feel and not slip into denial and evasive ways, like reaching for my phone.
Fri 27th Oct – (4)
When I loved myself enough, I would declutter my home and make space for new and exciting possibilities to materialise.
When I loved myself enough, I would stop being invisible and playing small.
When I loved myself enough, I would let me light shine and allow my gifts to be a gift to others.
When I loved myself enough, I would see my loneliness as an invitation to come more home to myself.
When I loved myself enough, I would speak to myself with respect and compassion.
When I loved myself enough, I would listen to my body and not push it beyond its limits.
Sat 28th Oct – (5)
When I loved myself enough, I would take care of my needs and not feel guilty.
When I loved myself enough, I would give freely to others without questioning motives.
When I loved myself enough, I would stop trying to be perfect and allow myself to become whole.
When I loved myself enough, I would stop comparing myself with others.
When I loved myself enough, I would accept my limitations and weaknesses.
When I loved myself enough, I would meditate and give myself time to recharge my batteries.
When I loved myself enough, I no longer needed to impress anyone.
When I loved myself enough, I would indulge myself with silence.
Sun 29th Oct – Love of Self
The truth of that Gospel today is something that does not come naturally to us adults. To love ourselves sounds like blatant selfishness and yet its central to the most basic of the commandments, Love God and your neighbor as you love yourself. This implies very strongly that without a proper healthy love and respect for myself I am incapable of loving another. That’s such strong stuff that we might be inclined to disagree, yet it’s there in black and white as the wisdom of the ages and has taken psychology 2000 years to catch up with.
This is also stuff that comes so naturally to kids today that they seem to be born with it. A mother who was driving along with her six-year-old daughter. The child asked, ‘Mummy who do you love the most, you or me?’ The mother immediately replied, ‘I love you most of course, honey’. The child seemed surprised and said, ‘But Mummy do you not realise that if you don’t love yourself first you can’t really love me?’ You can imagine how that shock left mummy’s driving somewhat erratic.
‘Love God and neighbour’ is what many of us have grown up with, as our working definition of Christianity, and to love ourselves in a manner that isn’t akin to being selfish sounds almost a new language. New it may seem but it makes perfect sense. If God loves me then how can I not love myself? If God delights in me as his creation, then, who am I belittle myself and think he made something inferior? If we don’t have the humility to give love to ourselves how foolish we are to think that we can give it to others. How can we give what we haven’t got?
When you produce something in school by way of artwork how you can’t wait to get home to show it to mummy or daddy. Even if it’s not great it’s still your creation and you love it.
Sometimes when I make something out of wood I find myself reflecting on these things. For example, I have here a piece entitled Sun And Moon. The Sun is orange and smiling in the background while the moon is lying back and looking very contented in the foreground. It carries the deeper truth that if God is smiling upon me with satisfaction should that not make me feel good about myself? Making that would have taken many hours and there’s a great sense of satisfaction when its eventually completed. I might even take a certain delight in the work of my hands. In a way, I am like that piece and God is the great artist who has made me and fashioned me and he too delights in me as the work of his hands.
So, think about this, if God delights in me have I any right not to love myself. If He forgives me and everyone else, have I any right to be unforgiving towards myself or towards anyone else?
Throughout my 43 years as a priest that message has been the one that I have been drawn back to over and over again. It really is the foundation of the entire Christian message. ‘Love God and neighbour as you love yourself.’ And that word ‘as’ is so important because it is as we love ourselves that we are enabled to love God and others. If we don’t do it in that order then we become a walking mass of contradictions. It is precisely because we are so infinitely loved by God that we can love and value ourselves. As the Book of Sirach says: ‘With humility have self-esteem and prize yourself as you deserve. Who will acquit the one who condemns himself and who can lift up the one who puts himself or herself down?’ The implication is that not even God can do so.
This means that the essence of sin is rejection of ourselves, of who we are as God’s creation, and his children. The only permanent relationship we can have from conception to eternity is our relationship with ourselves that is based on our relationship with God of course. It is also true that we can never love another person more than we love ourselves and neither can we ever be closer to another than we are to ourselves.
Mon 30th Oct – (6)
When I loved myself enough, I would be my own best friend and not my worst enemy.
When I loved myself enough, I would treat myself to nice things regularly.
When I loved myself enough, I would not allow myself the luxury of a negative thought.
When I loved myself enough, I would cease struggling and practice the art of surrender.
When I loved myself enough, I would try to own every part of my personal story.
When I loved myself enough, I would embrace my family story, with all its characters because without my ancestors I would not be here.
When I loved myself enough, I would embrace even the very worst traits in my character and the contradictions of my personality.