Jim Cogley: Daily Reflections Tues 15th – Mon 21st Oct

Tues 15^th Oct – Growing in Self-Esteem

Lots of phrases come to mind when we consider the nature of self-esteem – the degree to which I love myself (in a healthy way), the amount of respect I have for myself, how I value myself, and so my degree of self-worth. As every builder knows the amount of time that goes into laying proper foundations for a building is considerable and could amount to a third of the overall cost and time spent on the entire project. Yet in relation to our lives, we seem to think that we can continue to go higher and higher without giving any thought to what lies beneath. While based in Kilmore Quay, it became clear that the old pier was structurally unsound and needed to be underpinned. This meant that a lot of time, effort and expense had to go into replacing a foundation that had never been strong from the beginning. Just looking at this complex work taking place rather slowly, and in incremental stages, became a metaphor for the way many of our lives need ‘underpinning’ in relation to our shaky levels of self-esteem.

Wed 16^th Oct – Approval Addiction

How can I recognise that my self-esteem is not in good shape? One way is to see if I need others approval in order to feel good about myself. Approval addiction is endemic and is rooted in low self-esteem. If someone likes me, I feel that I am likeable, if someone approves of me, I approve of myself, and if someone smiles at me my world lights up. Conversely if the reaction of someone is negative, I feel deflated and if he or she is having a bad hair day and says something critical I take it personal and take out my comb. The problem with needing external approval is that it fluctuates depending on how the other might be feeling and what that party might be going through. With good self-esteem the validation of my worth is sourced in myself and is a constant that is not affected by external factors like others moods and opinions.

Thurs 17^th Oct – Loss of Control

Closely allied to approval addiction, another indicator of poor self-esteem is the amount of control I allow others to have over my life. To take an arbitrary figure, if my self esteem stands at sixty per cent it means that forty percent of my power lies in others’ hands. Often the majority of this is in the person I am closest to where I need him or her to be there for me, and any threat to that relationship can expose deep levels of insecurity. Such insecurity can then manifest as jealousy, possessiveness and neediness, all of which can destroy what is treasured most. Another indicator is the degree to which I experience loneliness. While on the surface this can be blamed on missing someone in my life while on closer examination it has more to do with missing myself. When there is an inner division between I and Me it is usually experienced as that most uncomfortable state we call loneliness.

Fri 18^th Oct – Where have we come from?

It is entirely possible that the children of today’s generation will not need lessons in developing self-esteem since most seem to get it in bucketfuls both at home and at school. The result is that they have a level of confidence and an ability to speak that leaves us older ones envious. Those of us from an older vintage had a hard time when it came to developing self-esteem. In fact, to have it was to be politely told that you were ‘too full of yourself’ or ‘Who do you think you are?’ or to display a talent was ‘to be acting above yourself.’ In religious teaching Love of God was important as was love of neighbour while love of self was never mentioned. It could be argued that it has taken theology over 2000 years to recognise that loving ourselves is to be ‘not far from the Kingdom’. The  experience of so many of us older ones growing up was that we received much more criticism than encouragement while growing up and that this eroded so much of our fragile and emerging self-esteem as we grew up.

Sat 19^th Oct – Factors that influence self-esteem

It is during teenage years that we become self-conscious, and our self-esteem begins to form and solidify. Unfortunately, so many carry a burden of rejection, shame or guilt into those years to the extent that self-criticism comes more to the fore than self-acceptance. Issues around where we have come from, or our family of origin or something said or done to us can become major obstacles that block our sense of who we really are. Bullying, abuse at home or at school and in particular sexual abuse can and does seriously erode any positive sense of Self. Likewise, any awareness of being different from one’s peers as in having a physical handicap becomes a form of negative self-identification. Teenagers in particular can be extremely cruel in pointing out the defects of others who in turn begin to identify themselves in terms of what has been said.

Sun 20^th Oct – The Spirit of Service

The Rose gives of its fragrance simply because it is a Rose

The Gospel of today invites us to consider who are the great ones in any community and it always comes down to those who are prepared to be of service. Not those who serve for their own self-interest, not serve to be seen, not for thanks and definitely not serve for want to be in control. The latter group will usually only be visible when they are in charge but rarely otherwise.

The Holy Land is associated with one main river and two lakes. The river is the famous Jordan where John the Baptist baptised Jesus. It begins on the slopes of Mt Hermon, near the Syrian border, and then flows down into the Sea of Galilee. Its name means the Descender and it again continues its descent until it enters the lowest spot on the face of the earth known as the Dead Sea. Those who in the past have visited the Holy Land were amazed at the contrast between these two lakes that are a relatively short distance apart. The Sea of Galilee is a freshwater lake that just teems with life. The fish are plentiful and the only ones who seemed to have had difficulty catching them were the early apostles. Everything about the Lake speaks of vibrancy and beauty. In the Dead Sea, on the other hand, the River Jordan flows in but has no outlet, and so the water evaporates leaving behind vast quantities of salt. It’s really more a landlocked lake rather than a sea. No fish or wildlife can exist there and so it’s simply dead apart from some strange micro-organisms. For tourists who can read a newspaper while floating on this salt rich water it’s a source of fascination, but it also offers, in a geographical manner, a very profound message about the nature of life.

We are like the Sea of Galilee. We receive from what comes before us and our lives are enriched by what we receive. So, our lives can be fruitful and enjoyable to the extent that few want it to end. A man in his 80s was diagnosed with a condition that was somewhat serious and the doctor tried to reassure him by saying ‘You will be fine for several years and after all who wants to live to be a hundred?’ The man wasn’t impressed and replied, ‘Everyone I know who is 99!’ In a truly fruitful and happy life, like the Sea of Galilee, there is a healthy balance between receiving and giving; life flows in and life flows out and in between life happens in abundance. There is a spirit of gratitude for what we have received and hopefully a generosity of spirit with what we can give. So many that I know seek to find ways to give back.

Christ spoke of this dynamic on so many occasions as if he was pointing to something that was fundamental to human nature and happiness. He said things like, ‘As you give so you will receive; give and it will be given on to you; use wisely what you have and you will be given more’, but he also said in different ways, if you don’t use it you will lose it, and by being greedy and living only for yourself you will be miserable.

This is where we can be more like the Dead Sea than the Sea of Galilee. If we don’t open up to giving and ensure that we have an outlet for giving our lives literally begin to evaporate and dry up. Like that dense salt water of the Dead Sea our spirits become heavy and everything stops flowing. It’s easy then to get into a rut, and the only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth, we still have to dig our way out. We may have all the excuses in the world about not having the time to get involved while in reality it’s not having the heart that’s the real issue. Volunteers don’t necessarily have the time but they do have the heart.

The bottom line is that if we are only living just for ourselves and our immediate family and to heck with everyone else we are opting for a quality of life that is way below what it can be. The basic reason for this is that we are violating a basic psychological principle that it is only in giving that we can receive. Drawing too tight a circle around ourselves and our immediate family is one sure path to loneliness. It’s a trap that so many fall into.

At the present time there is a greater appreciation of the value of doing things without having to get paid. With a population upwards of 5 million a surprising fact is that 1m, that’s one in five, are involved in some kind of voluntary work and that says a lot that life is not just about getting but it is even more about giving.

In Our Lady’s Island we have an amazing body of volunteers. Without them the Pilgrimage Season would not be possible. It never ceases to amaze me the generosity of spirit that is evident in the place. As a matter of observation, it is also evident that those with the happiest faces are those who are involved at some kind of voluntary level. The work is never done to receive some kind of payoff but the reality is that there always is, and this attests the truth that you cannot give without also receiving. A recent survey has shown that there is a strong feel-good factor in being a volunteer that is directly linked to positive mental health. We all need a focus outside of ourselves and we also need ways to give back.

In a society where there is so much isolation, volunteering is a form of social interaction where you get to know new people and make friends. For anyone who is new to the area or living within range it’s an ideal opportunity to interact with new people. Three hours working in the Coffee Shop would help one get to know more people than three years just living in the vicinity.

Having a sense of belonging, feeling socially included, and being part of a team, is a deep need in everyone. That is a form of payment that is far more valuable than money.

To challenge oneself, extend the comfort zone, learn new skills, get better at relating socially, are also very real benefits and really boosts the self-confidence. Likewise, when we are giving something back to life it’s as if life smiles in gratitude and we feel good about ourselves and discover a new zest for living. Finally, being a volunteer and doing something meaningful, gives a sense of purpose and if we find ourselves in a bit of a rut it can really help lift us out and get back on track

Mon 21^st Oct – Self-esteem-The Door to Enlightenment

At a seminar recently I displayed the above piece saying that self-esteem is the key that opens the door to enlightenment. Whatever lies beyond is always a matter of curiosity symbolised by the little mouse. There is richness, vitality, wonder, a magnificence that lies at the heart of every person. Usually, an entire lifetime goes by without a trace of recognition where the person remains identified with all that they are not, rather than who they really are. From the teaching of Carl Jung, he would say that our deepest, most sacred self, that is like a priceless diamond, is also like a shy animal and will remain hidden in its burrow until conditions are made favourable in order to emerge. Any form of self-rejection, any guilt or unworthiness, too much noise or even remaining too busy will invariably keep the true self hiding in its burrow and unable to emerge in all its wonder. This leaves the only alternative, to live out of who we are not, and wait until we die in order to discover who we were all along.