JIM COGLEY’S REFLECTIONS: TUES 23 DEC – MON 29 DEC 2025
Tuesday 23rd December – Speaking our Truth
Speaking our truth is not an easy matter while not speaking it is not good for us in the long-term. When we feel hurt and have our boundaries crossed, we know we need to confront the person responsible or else we are condoning what has happened and paving the way for it to happen all over again. By failing to confront and letting the person guilty of the unacceptable behaviour off the hook we are also leaving someone else in danger. When we carry memories of abuse whether physical, emotional or sexual, it means that our boundaries have been violated and our power has been taken. A primary form of power resides in having a voice and so when certain situations arise that trigger those abuse memories, we find ourselves voiceless. Whenever a child is being bullied or abused it is incredibly difficult to speak about it to anyone and fear often binds them to silence. When these memories get awakened later as an adult we tend to regress back to that age of when we were hurt and from there we are still voiceless.
Wednesday 24th December – Christmas Dread
The Pecking Order
There are many who are very vocal all year round but lose their voice at Christmas. This alone is one good reason why so many dread family gatherings. There are none like family members who can push our buttons to the extent that all our achievements and adult independence go out the window and we regress into childhood roles that we thought were long obsolete. From the moment we gather for the annual get together, parents and siblings demand that we enact appointed roles that we thought had ceased to be. Not only is the long-established pecking order back firmly in place but so also are all the age-old sibling rivalries. Growing up we may have been the moaner or the scapegoat, the clever one or the attention seeker, and the very act of walking back into our family door places us immediately back in the nursery. Only by being very aware of these dynamics before they trip us up have we any hope of holding onto our adult self.
Thursday 25th December – Changing the Script
Family gatherings around the Christmas season are where we can find ourselves slipping unconsciously into the roles assigned to us as children and are required to sing and dance to the family tune. There’s a script waiting for us before we ever enter the door and we are expected to adhere to it. Why allow ourselves to become a prisoner of that script that is made up of others expectations and also partly our own? First be aware of what role you will be expected to play and then instead of acting in a predictable manner begin to do the opposite. If you were known to be the stingy one with presents, then give generously. If known for avoiding the washing up, then be the first at the dishwasher. Were you always the last to rise, then be the first to appear. By taking on a role that is opposite to what is expected the entire family dynamics will be thrown into disarray as others have to readjust their scripts. Just be aware that by not preparing for this very consciously beforehand it will simply not work. The vortex of family energy makes everyone a victim until at least one consciously decides to break the long established pattern.
Christmas Day Greetings
Season’s greetings to you all on this special day. Christmas is about homecoming and the eternal God coming to make his home among us. Although Jesus was born in a lowly shepherd’s cave, he had in fact come to make his permanent home is each of our hearts so that we could also make our home in him. Jesus is the rock of ages whose birth we celebrate and whose presence and teachings can guide us safely through the turbulent waters of life. As each generation forms a link in the chain of Christian continuity may we in our time remain strong in that faith that sustained our ancestors through far more difficult times than we experience today. Let not our excuses or busyness deprive us, or our children, of that which is lasting and eternal.
May the light of the Manger child
Shine on you and bestow a sliver of inner peace,
A glimmer of hope and an ember of love.
May the radiant light of the Manger Child,
Kindle to flame a glow within you
At Christmas & New Year.
Friday 26th Dec – St Stephen Day
St Stephen was one of the truly bright lights in the fledgling church. He was a young man full of promise, enthusiasm and faith. His murder must have marked an all-time low point for those early believers who were just finding their feet. That death was followed by a persecution where so many had to flee to the hill country for safety. Yet God can work everything onto good and it was because of what happened that those who had to leave their comfort zone began to spread the Gospel message elsewhere. One of those was the apostle Philip who ended up preaching to the Samaritans, the very crowd that some months before he wanted Jesus to call down fire and brimstone upon because they had refused to let him pass through their territory. This was an example of how the Gospel began to spread not in spite of persecution but because of it.
Saturday December 27th – St John the Evangelist
Today is the Feast of St John who was the youngest of Christ’s band of disciples. In the scriptures he is called the beloved disciple. This could imply that his heart was that bit more open to love than the others. Usually, he is mentioned in relation to his elder brother James, and together they were known as ‘the sons of thunder.’ It was they who wanted the Lord to bring down fire and brimstone on the Samaritan town that refused to welcome him. It is interesting that he is later mentioned as one of those sent to the Samaritans with the message of love. Somewhere in between he must have experienced a profound conversion. He died in his mid-nineties and towards the end of his life, having been exiled for many years on the Island of Patmos, he was accused of ever only preaching one sermon; it was always on the topic of love. When asked why, he replied, ‘Because there really is only one sermon.’ Centuries later, one of the great saints who would bear his name, John of the Cross, would say, ‘In the end of the day we will be judged on love.’ In the end of the day we judge ourselves in the light of love.
Sun Dec 28th – The Holy Family
Circle of Love and Light
Above is a symbol of family that was made some years back. It depicts four members who are holding hands and in doing so they create four hearts and also a circle that forms a candleholder. The symbolism suggests that where there is unity there is love and where there is love there is light. In fact, only where there is love are people capable of holding the light for each other.
It’s been said that family is the one place you should be able to go when all other doors have been closed. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work that way for so many where family life has broken down. The family will always be the basic unit of society and it is our family of origin that largely makes us who we are. It’s where we first experience love, warmth, affection and a sense of belonging. All too often those basic needs are not met in childhood and are then carried forward into adult life with disastrous consequences. This is where we look to others to meet those needs and this is something they can never succeed in doing.
It is particularly our relationship with our mother that affects how we see the world as adults. If we were loved we will be able to see the world as a loving place. If we feel she let us down or abandoned us we will tend to see our world as unsafe and will continually meet people who will disappoint us. It is mainly our mother who was our teacher from the beginning and remains a major influence through life.
This weekend 25 years ago my own mother passed away at the age of 84. She died in one millennium and was buried in another. It’s at an anniversary time that we all think back over someone’s life and what they meant to us.
I take consolation from the fact that my relationship with my mother was good in the beginning and good at the end. In between there were many unconscious factors that made communication difficult, but never to the point of undermining a deep and mutual love that was always there. Reflecting on that mother/son relationship I sensed sometimes an invisible barrier between us that in later years I came to name as anger.
Much of my early life felt like being in a war zone with two mothers fighting over me. One was my natural mother, and the other was my godmother who was my mother’s sister. This lady had lived a very sheltered existence and never got married, so I was the son she would like to have had. Her jealousy towards my mother was serious and well-matched by my mother’s bitterness towards her. She was convinced that this younger sister had tried to poison her relationship with her father, and in that she was probably right.
Growing up I spent lots of time in both houses but always felt torn between the two camps. Anything I might say about my mother would be scorned by my aunt and anything said about my aunt would be immediately ridiculed by my mother. It was a no-win situation and very difficult to cope with. At one level it served me well because it would take a lot for me now to engage in any form of conflict anybody.
My mother was quite a religious person and someone with great faith. She could be in church twice a day and her generosity knew no bounds. Yet on the occasions when I dared to mention that the bitterness she was carrying wasn’t healthy, and contrary to her faith, it was met with a sharp defensive reaction. It was obvious that while she may have buried the hatchet she had definitely marked the spot! The idea of being bitter or resentful was something she wouldn’t entertain, and it took her a lifetime to come into that realization enough to let it go. Meanwhile the quality of her life was diminished, she often seemed burdened, and there was little joy or humour in her life.
Some years before she died my mother confided in me that she had finally let go of her burden of resentment towards her sister, and that became evident by the fact that when this lady came up in conversation, she was respectful in her language and no longer cutting like she used to be. It was then that I noticed a lovely side of her personality beginning to emerge, a side that could be light and carefree and extremely entertaining. She was much happier in herself, and it was a delight to see. It was in her twilight years that she literally came into the light.
Even though we were quite close in life, I feel even closer to her in death. Her passing was more a sense of continuation than separation, with a deep awareness that love always survives when grief has passed, because love can never die.
Monday 29th Dec – As we sow, so do we reap
I like the story of the little shopkeeper who was struggling for years to keep the family business afloat. The final straw came when a large chain store opened just opposite his that was certainly going to close him down. Was there anything he could do, he asked a wise old man. He was told, ‘If you fear the owner of the chain store you will hate him and hatred will be your undoing. So, might I suggest that each morning walk out of your shop and bless your business wishing it prosperity. Then turn towards the chain store and bless it the same way’. At this he was more than surprised. ‘Imagine blessing my competitor and destroyer’. Again, he was told, ‘Any blessing you give him will rebound to your good and any evil you wish him will destroy you’. Months later the shopkeeper met the wise man and told him that as expected he had to close down his shop, but things were never better because he was now manager of the chain store!