Jim Cogley Reflections – Tues 20 Jan – Mon 26 Jan 2026

Note: Coming Wood You Believe Healing Seminar with Jim Cogley & Luba Rodzhuk:

Edmund Rice Centre, Callan – Responding to your Call – Discovering your Purpose Embracing your Destiny

Sat 14^th Feb 10am-4pm (Cost €50 with refreshments Included).

Bookings to Jim Maher on 086-1276649. Early booking is advised.

You can tune in to live broadcasts daily at 10am or recordings by going to Our Ladys Island Webcam

For ordering books at lowest prices go to jimcogley.com (Some volumes have been hijacked by other websites at crazy costs and without permission).

Tues 20^th Jan – Narcissism (Continued)

Last week we took a brief excursion into the world of Greek mythology as we looked at the story of the beautiful Greek boy Narcissus who, when he looked in a pool, fell totally in love with what he saw and became fixated on his own image. These myths offer valuable insights into the human condition when we look beneath the obvious story line. Sometimes it’s the parts of the story that we hardly notice that contain a key to their deeper understanding. After Narcissus was born, his mother, proud of herself at having produced such a beautiful god-like child, wondered would he ever have to die like the rest of mortals. She went to a seer who made a remarkable prophecy, that ‘He would live forever, provided he would never come to know himself.’ This reveals the truth of the myth that Narcissus would sacrifice his true self on the altar of his false self that was only identified with image. And, to this day she was correct, he lives on as the one we remember as having failed to make that journey of coming to know and love his true self.

Wed 21^st Jan – Relating to a Narcissist

What is it like to be in relationship with or to grow up with a ‘full blown’ narcissist? I use the term because there are elements of Narcissism in all of us. The answer has to be, very confusing, and for a child in the long term, very debilitating. The narcissist is so in love with his own beauty and perfection as to be utterly incapable of loving anyone else and that includes conversely his own true self. Yet everything on the surface may appear to be perfect and to the best standards that society expects. Home life can appear perfect, to the outside world it may look like the perfect marriage. There is no obvious violence, neglect or abuse. Whatever the societal norm may be, it is fulfilled to the letter. This itself is confusing because the other party may be unable to point out anything as being amiss and so conclude that I had a perfect childhood and there was nothing there that would seem in any way to contribute to my present miserable state of feeling so hollow.

Thurs 22^nd Jan – The shattering of Illusion

The realization that I was or am married to a narcissist or that my most ‘perfect’ parent was a narcissist comes as a lightbulb moment of shocking realization where the illusion of a lifetime is shattered. At long last I see clearly that I was never loved but I was being used to bolster up the image of someone’s fixation on perfectionism. To all appearances I appeared to be loved but deep down I could never feel it and wondered why. ‘Was there something wrong with me’ I might even have wondered? Everything I did was to please that person and it was never enough. I was the perfect child. I never let the family down; I worked hard in school and college. I may even have chosen a career that I knew would please that person. Suddenly it’s as if the fog lifts and I am seeing things as they are for the first time. I was not loved for who I was but become, over time, the means whereby that person could further inflate their ego. Such a realization is to say the least a bitter pill of truth to swallow.

Fri 23^rd Jan – The Many Questions

Living with a narcissist there will have been questions, not always conscious, that I will have been asking without ever getting answers. Why did this person always need to be the centre of attention; have an opinion on everything, and never admit to being wrong? Why did they always need to be admired so and why did the opinion of others matter so much? ‘What will the neighbours’ think?’ may have been the catch phrase. How come that this person was so lacking in genuine feeling and unable to be empathetic? How come they had such a knack of capitalizing on your weaknesses and making you feel weak and inadequate. They may have carried a sense of grandiosity where everything out there was deemed so important, and you were left wondering if there was anything at the core or was it actually hollow? Still, to all appearances everything seemed so right so it was you who must be wrong. This is the obvious conclusion.

Sat 24^th Jan – The Hollow Core

Dealing with adult relationships, the legacy of a narcissistic upbringing can be quite problematic. Beneath an apparently perfect childhood will be a lifetime of unmet needs. These will come to the surface in a relationship and become projected onto the partner. That person will slowly come to resent such a burden of expectations and begin to back away. This in turn is resented by the other who becomes further awakened to the sense of not being loved. While separation may be inevitable, it will also be excruciatingly difficult with mostly hurt and rejection on one side and guilt on the other. It is as if the hollowness of the narcissistic parent has now become the neediness of the child and so creates a dynamic in adult relationships of people backing away in order not to be smothered and to protect their own identity.

Sun 25^th Jan – Temple of Light

In the words of today’s Gospel, the people that walked in darkness have seen a great light, on those who live in the land and shadow of death a light has shone. Each of us is called to be a bearer of that light. Light has the amazing quality that all the darkness of the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle. A light bearer has been described as someone who shows by the smile on their face and the light in their eyes that their heart is in the right place. When our heart is not in the right place it shows in the tone of our voice and in the manner of our behaviour and if we don’t know it others will.

There is a Temple somewhere in India that is known as the Temple of Light. It’s very dark inside but they have an unusual way of lightening it up. This is done by way of a giant candelabra that can hold hundreds of candles. The focus is very much on the community and how each person contributes to the life of that community, and this is expressed by the symbolism of the candelabra.

Every newborn child is brought to the temple for a ceremony of initiation and welcoming much like our Baptism ceremony. And as in our Baptism each child is given a candle that looks like wax but is filled with oil.

The idea is that each time he or she comes to the temple the candle is brought and lit and placed among all the others. Each light contributes to the brightness of the building and when it’s not there the quality of the overall light is diminished. Staying away visibly deprives others.

It’s a powerful visual reminder that each person is a light in their world and by participating in community and giving of their gifts and talents life he or she is allowing their light to shine.

Another interesting aspect of the symbolism that is quite ingenious is that as each candle is fitted into place it is automatically filled by way of a pump from a reservoir of oil stored beneath. In other words, it is by giving of their light that he or she also receives, and so the more the temple is filled with light the more the participants receive back in return. It’s a two-way street of giving and receiving.

The Gospel also speaks of two regions with exotic sounding names Zebulun and Naphtali. These were two tribal regions on the far side of the Jordan that were outside the Jewish pale of worship and so were considered to be in darkness. What might they represent for us in terms of our need for healing?

Could I suggest any area or part of our story that we have put to the far side. Anything that at the time was too painful, shameful or hurtful to talk to anyone about. It may have been something we did or that was done to us. Many of us live in denial in relation to childhood memories and like to give the impression that everything was grand as we grew up. Healing is always about allowing that which was unconscious to come to light so that it no longer affects our lives in a negative way.

Zebulun or Naphtali could also represent areas of our lives that we know are not quite in alignment with our Christian beliefs, perhaps secret areas known only to ourselves. Recently someone said that she really wanted to give her life to Christ, but she was unable to do so just yet because of a relationship in her life that wasn’t sitting right with her conscience. I asked her if she was not trying to put the cart before the horse. The Lord doesn’t need us to be pure and blameless before we can come to him but once we invite him into our lives, he even changes our desires and gives us a distaste for that which is not of him. By his grace he brings us into alignment with what is right and what is in accordance with our best selves. When the first disciples were called they were far from perfect but that didn’t matter.

So, I invite you today to reflect on any underground rocks from your past that until they are exposed can always cause us to run aground on our voyage through life. Our most closely guarded secrets pose our greatest threat. Also, to reflect on any area or issue that is current in your life just now that you are uncomfortable with – a relationship where there is tension, conflict or no communication, or some form of behaviour that is not in accordance with your best self.

Finally, don’t try to change anything about yourself. The best of New Year resolutions simply does not work. However, what does work is surrender to the Lord, and letting go of myself just as I am, with all my imperfections. Just say ‘Yes Lord come into my heart’ and then allow him to do the rest.

Mon 26^th Jan – The Roots of Narcissism

Where does Narcissism begin; what are its roots? This is not very clear. Perhaps we can obtain a clue from the original myth. Narcissus’ mother raised her son to god-like status; she treated him as ultra-special. This was confirmed for him when he saw his beautiful reflection. The adulation of the parent and being unable to see any fault in the child can lead to an inflated ego that may or may not burst in the course of that lifetime. At the opposite extreme a child who had little going for them in terms of parentage and background may discover some special gift or talent that lifts them from the swamp of anonymity and affords recognition and prestige. This gift is their ticket to stardom and becomes the image that sets them above everyone else. Later in life there is nothing else to hold to because beneath there is only a bottomless pit of unmet needs.