Jim Cogley’s Reflections: Tues 26th Aug – Mon 1st Sept 2025
HEALING AND AWARENESS,
A SPIRITUALITY OF INTEGRATION AND WHOLENESS
This will be the theme for the Resurrexit retreat in Ballyvalloo Conference Centre, Co. Wexford, which will be led by Fr. Jim Cogley and Luba Rodzhuk. Beginning 6pm Tues 30th Sept to Friday Oct 3rd. This is open to all and there may be some places still available. Contact Breda Costello, 34 Melitta Park, Kildare Town, R51YV48, or email her at – breda.costello@icloud.com or ring her on 087- 6128253.
Tues 26th Aug – Being Stuck
The piece shown is of a mouse that has eaten his way into a block of cheese. Having overindulged he has bulged and finds himself stuck. Originally made for amusement, it quickly became a popular symbol that many identified with as reflecting how they felt in life. Some said that as their life had progressed time had moved on while a part or parts of themselves had got left behind, they now they felt stuck and unable to move forward. Usually, it was something too painful to face at the time that being buried out of sight but was still playing out its drama from that unconscious place. One man said, ‘I closed down on my emotional life many years ago but now I know there is something not right. I feel overwhelmed by stress and anxiety; I am restless and can’t sleep and feel that I have an existence but not a life.’ All of these symptoms are veiled invitations from the unconscious that something is stirring and needs to come into awareness.
Wed 27th Aug – Repetition Compulsion
A lady who had separated from her husband years earlier would freely tell her tearful tale of woe ad nauseum to anyone who would listen. There had been twelve years of abuse and violence, and she was still stuck in the victim mode, and it was obvious that she hadn’t moved on. Having come out of the marriage she was in effect still there. While many avoided her, knowing what to expect, others freely offered sympathy and support and these she regarded as her friends. Only later did she come to realize that they were not necessarily her friends and that the sympathy and support she was receiving was keeping her stuck in seeing herself as a helpless victim. It took quite some time to realize that true friends would not nearly be so ‘nice’ but would challenge her to change the story line, stop the blaming game, take responsibility and move on with her life.
Thurs 28th Aug – People Pleasing
There are many who run themselves ragged as they try to forge a career out of meeting other people’s needs even to the point of always wanting to please. A lady admitted to doing this all the time with her husband, her children, her work colleagues, her neighbours and her friends. Her most frequently used phrase was, ‘Are you okay’? For the slightest reason she would forego her own comfort and time in order to make people happy, and then when someone was disappointed, she would be devastated. In effect, all her relationships were based on the need to please and this in turn made her a slave to others’ expectations; she could never say ‘no’ out of fear of rejection. Recognizing this became her key to freedom. Before we help anyone a useful question to ask is: Whose need am I meeting – theirs or mine?
Fri 29th Aug – Stuck in Pleasing Mode
This is an area where so many of us run aground, the inability to say no to even legitimate demands from those we love and even those we don’t. Even after a full day’s work many believe that they should always be there for friends and remain on call from colleagues and workmates. So, we exhaust ourselves and get angry. Having said ‘yes’ to so many we end up feeling tired, used and taken for granted. Here we are operating out of our own need to be needed, and it is not those who are crossing our boundaries that are to blame. Very few can see beyond the horizon of their own hurt and so to expect them to understand our needs is not realistic. Unless we maintain our boundaries in good order and be able to say an honest ‘no’ without feeling guilty we will end up giving, not out of generosity, but out of resentment. This means that those we give to won’t respect us and the relationship will be ruined by the very help we give.
Sat 30th Aug – Love Self as Neighbour?
About ten years ago I went through a major period of burnout that was largely caused by stress of my own making. I could easily point the finger at all the needy people who were coming to my door and that I was too close to the end of a motorway but that would not be entirely the truth. My boundaries are now much stronger than they were back then, but I had the learn the hard way by coming close to the edge of sanity and suffering a breakdown. Back then I knew the scripture that said love your neighbour as yourself but unconsciously had changed it around to loving myself as my neighbour. Perhaps I didn’t change it but I had never heard it said in any other way. Others and their needs always came first to the extent that having given everything I had nothing of myself left. Almost all my waking hours during that time were tending to the needs of others and I was unable to say ‘no’ without feeling guilty.
Sun 31st Aug – Wedding Banquet
Jesus was the master storyteller and using the simplest of illustrations drawn from ordinary life he presented the most profound of truths. Stories of farmers and fishermen, shepherds and merchants formed the backdrop for his entire message. Every time we hear a story, no matter how familiar we are with it, we truly have never heard it before. It’s as if we are hearing it for the first time because every time we listen we are in a different place and so the story can speak to us in a different way.
The story I’m going to share with you is not a gospel story but if Jesus were around it’s the kind of one he would be very likely to employ because he loved to use shock tactics to wake people up and to show how pious devotion can become divorced from real life. This story is also about a wedding feast where a couple came to arrange their marriage with the local priest. They explained that because they were unable to afford a hotel reception would he mind if they used the rather large entrance or foyer of the church to provide some refreshments and have some music. The day duly arrived and a big crowed turned out but the weather was miserable and wet. Afterwards no one could go outside and the foyer area was just too small. So, they asked him if it was okay to open up the doors and pull back the seats and create a dance space inside. He said, ‘No problem’. Soon the musicians arrived and set up their instruments and with plenty of wine flowing the guests soon got into party mode. The church came alive with the sounds of music and dancing. With everything in full swing it was obvious that there was someone who was unhappy and not behind the door about showing it. An older priest disapproved of his companion’s decision to allow the church to be used for such purposes and when he came in to witness such ‘carry on’ in the `House of God’ he vented his anger towards the other. Such disgraceful conduct in a church and all with his approval, did he not realise what he was doing and how disrespectful it all was. The younger man tried his best to reassure him by saying, ‘Father what about the wedding feast of Cana? Remember Jesus turned water into wine; 180 gallons of the stuff and that was after the bar had run dry. Surely this gathering would be meeting with his full approval and if he were here would he not be the first to be down there dancing and offering his good wishes to the newly-weds?’ ‘That’s all very fine,’ replied the older man, ‘but he didn’t have respect for the Blessed Sacrament to worry about.’
The Gospel story today is no different where Jesus compares the kingdom of God to a joyful wedding feast to which all are invited but not everybody comes. In fact, the very ones you would expect to be the first are the last and the last anyone would expect to be there are the first. The image of God that comes across is of a generous host who really knows how to throw a good party. The first invitations are extended to the chosen but when they refuse the invitation is sent out to the highways and byways to the good and bad alike. The good news is that God wants everyone to be saved and none to be lost. In other words, he wants everyone to be a part of his party. No one is outside the circle of his love except those who chose to be.
Such is the way we normally interpret that parable of the Wedding Feast but there is another way that is even more personal and makes a lot of sense. There are sides to us all that we like and have no difficulty with. These are the parts we have no difficulty inviting to the party as our chosen guests. I may like my disposition to be kind, generous or non-judgmental. I may have gifts or talents that I like. All of these are welcome guests. But what about the poor, crippled blind and lame, not unfortunates out there, but those parts of my inner reality that I would want very few to know about. Beneath the façade of respectability we present to the world there is a shadow side in everyone that a lot of the time I may be only vaguely aware of myself.
The dark or shadow side of my personality manifests in all sorts of ways that are usually at variance with the me I want to be or the me I present to the world. I get glimpses of it when I get jealous or envious; I see it in my greed that is never satisfied and always wants more. Some will see it in what they watch when everyone else has gone to bed and all of us will see it in our reactions that we so easily blame others for but show us so much about our real selves.
What do we normally do with these not so nice, these snotty parts of ourselves? Normally we don’t want to know them and certainly wouldn’t want anyone else to know then either, so push them further into the darkness. All of society encourages us to do so, but what does the Gospel teach? An entirely different approach. Send out an invitation to the highways and byways and welcome the blind, lame and the lazy parts of ourselves.
My latest little book that was launched last Sunday is all about precisely that but with a particular focus on Anger. It’s entitled When I befriended my anger, I discovered my creativity. Many spend a lifetime trying to be rid of their anger and die without ever making friends with it. The essence of today’s Gospel is the direct opposite; it is to send our anger an invitation to come to the banquet and when it responds it brings with it the gift of creativity. This was such a lesson from my own life, and I wanted to share it so much that I wrote the book. For me it was an insight that changed my life, and I know that it can change others as well. For anyone wishing to receive a copy it will be available from my website in a few weeks.
Mon 1st September – Love Yourself as Neighbour
Continuing from yesterday, as time wore on, I began to feel resentful that the very ones I had helped were not in the least bit grateful but were coming back frequently for more and with ever increasing demands. It was like I was dealing with a monster that was entirely of my own making. There came a point where I felt used and abused but it was all my own doing for not having firm boundaries in place from the beginning. Sometimes we see things more clearly in the dark than we do in the light and so it was in the darkness of burnout that I realized the truth that the Bible never said to love yourself as your neighbour because that would mean having no boundaries, but it did say love your neighbour as yourself and this was giving permission to begin saying ‘no’ without feeling guilty. Unless we get that order right today’s helper just becomes tomorrow’s victim. This I truly know, because I was that soldier.