Jim Cogley: Reflections Tues 23 July – Mon 29 July 22, 2024
Information: For web-cam live services and recordings – ourladysisland.ie
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Email: frjimcogley@gmail.com
Tue 23rd July – The Need for Approval
Occasionally at seminars I introduce the above piece by saying that when I feel under the weather I place ‘him’ on the mantelpiece and then I feel over the moon! It’s a useful symbol for an addiction that is endemic but little recognized, namely Approval Addiction. This is where I need external validation in order to feel good about myself; it is where, when someone smiles at me with approval and appreciation, I feel good, but a frown or criticism can leave me feeling like a deflated balloon. Always looking over my shoulder and being acutely aware of how others might react is a sure way of not steering a straight course and a definite way to be untrue to myself. It is also very debilitating and disempowering because it divests personal power from the inside where it belongs to the outside where it has little value.
Wed 24th July – Approval Addiction – Ways it manifests itself
Everyone likes to be liked and we all need validation and approval. It is when we become dependent on others approval that it becomes addictive and changes who we are. It is when our behaviours become driven by the desire to elicit the approval of others that symptoms such as stress, anxiety and even depression begin to creep in. We might feel worried and not know why or have no voice in certain situations. In an extreme form we might even experience being paranoid. The paradox of Approval Addiction is that we crave compliments and yet can’t take them because our self-esteem is so low. At the same time, we take all forms of criticism badly and automatically assume that feedback is negative rather than constructive. We then hear something not as it is but as we are and so react negatively.
Thurs 25th July – The Many Faces
Approval Addiction reveals itself in a myriad of ways that we usually don’t recognize. Its roots lie in the fear of what other people might think. In the Book of Proverbs, the Bible teaches that ‘The fear of man is a snare but the one who trusts in the Lord is safe’. We get snared in various ways. It might be in making independent decisions where we have to consult endlessly and then need reassurance that we did the right thing. Even after being indecisive, we end up not being so sure and then begin to backtrack! We can even lose sight of our own preferences as we are continually considering what others might like us to be wearing, or how they might like us to think, or ways to behave. This can even extend to turning down good job opportunities for fear that others may not approve. In essence, all forms of being my authentic self can be compromised by Approval Addiction.
Fri 26th July – Shyness
A form of Approval Addiction that usually goes unrecognized is shyness. A useful symbol for shyness is the sea horse that is one of the shyest creatures in the ocean. It is usually found hiding among seaweed and darting between the strands. It is also unusual in that it is the males who give birth which possibly accounts for the fact that they are quite scarce! As a shy person (and I used to be one of them) we tend to keep our best side hidden, and it is based on the fear of not being approved. Shyness is an affliction that affects so many. It is also a mask behind which we hide our true selves. Shyness and fear are two sides of the same coin. Deep down the shy person craves the approval and recognition of others but the fear of rejection prevents reaching out and causes them to withdraw into themselves. Shyness causes us to underplay our role, deny our gifts, and live in a world that is smaller than it is meant to be. In the words of the American writer Marianne Williamson, ‘our shyness does not serve the world’.
Sat 27th July – The Roots
The approval addict is always bending to other people’s needs before their own and when this is not acknowledged it is very disheartening. The roots of this are usually to be found in childhood and in relation to our parents or primary care givers. How few were capable of giving us unconditional love. Sometimes we were there to meet their needs even more than they were there to meet ours. It was in meeting their needs that we got recognition and found value in ourselves. So, from an early age we developed an acute sensitivity for the needs of others while our own needs went unrecognized. For so many in adult life the pattern continued, and it was always about putting others before themselves. Being a care giver who never took care of oneself became the modus operandi. For such individuals, the idea of loving oneself, and taking care of one’s own needs was tantamount to selfishness. It was always a case of loving ones neighbour but never AS oneself.
Sun 28th July – Grandparents
Babushka – Grandmother
This Sunday is the fourth World Day of Prayer for grandparents and the elderly called for by Pope Francis.
There is no doubt that Grandparents occupy a unique place in a child’s heart that goes beyond being special. Growing up I only ever knew one of my grandparents and I think that he probably had a greater influence on my life than my father. He was a seaman and having listened to so many stories from his seagoing days I almost followed in his footsteps. For 20 years he was a lightkeeper and was stationed on the Conninbeg lightship off Kilmore Quay. All my years in KQ the light from that ship would beam through my bedroom window and I would think of him. He was also a ships carpenter and in my latter years I came to love working with wood.
An eight-year-old in school was asked to write about, What is a Grandmother? This is what she wrote: A grandmother is a lady who has no children of her own, so she likes other people’s boys and girls. Grandmas don’t have anything to do except be there. If they take us for walks they slow down as we go past pretty leaves and caterpillars. They never say Hurry up. Usually they are fat but not too fat to tie shoes. They wear glasses and sometimes can take their teeth out. They can answer questions like why dogs hate cats and why God isn’t married. They don’t talk like visitors do which is hard to understand. When they read to us they don’t skip words or mind if it is the same story again. It would be lovely for everyone to have a grandma because grandmas are the only grown-ups who always have time.
Particularly where grandparents have a godly faith dimension to their lives there is no knowing the long-term influence they exercise because even if parents choose to neglect their religious practice a faith foundation has been set in place. Later, when a crisis happens and that grandchild’s world falls apart at least they know that there is someone to turn to and that they have the inner resources to survive.
A fact that is often overlooked and enshrined in Law is that a grandparent has a right to see his or her grandchildren and a child has an equal right to see their grandparents. Such access is considered so important even in Law to be crucial for a child’s development and well-being. Only recently I came across a case where because of an acrimonious marriage break-up, access to a grandmother was being denied. In this case the needs of the child were not being given priority above that of the adults involved who wanted to play their silly games. How sad that is for the child and how short-sighted on the part of the adults?
Grandparents Day is little more than 50 years old. It first came to the fore in 1970 with a boy named Billy who was a little fellow with ADD, (attention deficit disorder). Dr Arthur Kornhaber was his child psychiatrist and he soon realized that despite Billy’s behavioural issues at home and school, he was fine when he was with his grandmother. “In his grandmother’s eyes, this kid couldn’t do anything wrong,” says Arthur. “He didn’t have to sit still, he didn’t have to pay attention, he just had to eat and smile. And they had great times together.” This proved an aha! moment for the good doctor. His experience with Billy, coupled with his own experience with his strong and nurturing grandparents, convinced him that there was magic in grandparenting. ‘That magic is unconditional love and deserved to be celebrated’.
This man also found that children who are close to at least one grandparent are more emotionally secure than other children and they have more positive feelings about older people and the process of ageing.
A woman wrote one time that ‘If I had known that grandchildren were so much fun I would have had mine first. Rearing my own children was hard work with no training.’ Grandparents have so much to offer to their grandchildren and so do the children have a lot to offer to them. They keep them young, they make them smile and the hugs and kisses are returned in bucketfuls. Where children have good grandparents who are interested and involved with them it’s a win-win situation where everyone has so much to gain and nobody has anything to lose. So today I invite you to join me in giving what the late Brendan Grace would call a round of a clap for all grandparents.
Mon 29th July – Getting the balance
A significant fact from the world of medicine is that by far the most cases of breast cancer in women occur on the left side. This is the side of the body that is associated with emotions and the feminine. Many patients say that rather than trying to kill them, the cancer was healing them of their lifelong tendency to give too much and failing to look after their own needs. How to develop a healthy selfish, selfish-lessness became a big part of their recovery programme where they were learning to look after themselves and care for their own needs without feeling guilty. At the same time they needed to continue giving to others without feeling resentful, and it being at the expense of their own needs. The poet Rumi once said that when you give to others to make sure that is always from the overflow of your barrel and never from the dregs. Such was their painful lesson.