Jim Cogley’s Reflections: Tues 3 June – Mon 9 June 2025
There will be a Healing Mass in Our Lady’s Island this coming Wednesday at 3pm.
Also for those interested in doing some serious inner work over a number of days a retreat will be given by Jim Cogley and Luba Rodzhuk in An Tobar, Ardbraccan Retreat Centre in Navan. This will begin on the evening of Monday 30th June and conclude on the following Friday. Please make bookings to An Tobar ASAP as numbers are limited; 046-9078973; Postal Code C15T884.
Tues June 3rd – When I Loved Myself
Last Summer I published a little book in the Wood You Believe series called When I loved myself, I awoke to the wonder of my own magnificence. Although the title seemed pretentious, I could find nothing else that captured the essence of the message it contained. It was written in an accessible manner, even for non-readers, over just five days, but it had taken fifty years to mature. That was when I first heard the truth of the importance of loving myself as the basis for all spiritual and psychological growth. From conception to eternity our one travelling companion is ourselves, so having compatibility, understanding and love towards ourselves are essential for making the journey interesting. Almost 3,000 copies of that book have gone over the past nine months and another 3,000 have just been delivered. They are available on my website jimcogley.com for €5 and from feedback received they are touching hearts at a very deep level and meeting a very real need at this time.
Wed June 4th – What God image did we buy into?
Yesterdays posting may have sounded like a sales pitch for the book When I Loved Myself, but I do so without apology. I want everyone who has not yet experienced the liberating truth of this message to hear it deeply and apply it in their lives. After so long carrying shame, guilt and unworthiness, it is so important that we break free of the shackles of the past. With original sin in our DNA, it is essential to replace it with original blessings and go through life knowing that we live not under God’s frown but in His/her favour. What truly good parent would ever want their children to live in fear, think they are being watched and expect punishment one day instead of eternal reward. In this regard we are all ‘recovering’ Catholics (or Protestants) and while we have a lot to live up to in our tradition, we also have loads to live down and so much to discard that is detrimental to our wellbeing and spiritual health.
Thurs June 5th – Love thy Neighbour as Thyself
It is entirely possible to read the Bible from cover to cover and be none the wiser or to take just a line and allow it to totally transform our lives. For me fifty years ago hearing the word ‘Love your neighbour as yourself’ was like scales falling from my eyes and like someone who was born blind opening up an entire new world. A word of wisdom from Scripture can give so much and amazingly it just keeps on giving. Just recently, after fifty years, I was shocked to find myself for the first time reflecting as to why the verse is formulated in that precise order and not the other way around as in Love yourself as your neighbour. In effect this is the way the majority of us operate and run into difficulties as a result. We give and care for others to our own detriment and either burn out with nothing left to give or we get sick and be told, ‘now you MUST take care of yourself’. This carries the strong implication that the one person we have not been taking care of is ourselves.
Fri June 6th – The Foundation
Why love thy neighbour as thyself and not the other way round? My Christian principles dictate that I should always be kind, generous and caring and when I fail then I feel guilty. This does not take into consideration that I need to be kind to myself also and take time out from being kind to others. That may involve saying ‘no’ more often, even if it doesn’t mean ‘never’ but ‘not now’. Similarly, if I am generous to the point of never saying ‘no’ I end up being used and abused and eventually find myself still giving but with resentment and no longer from a generous heart. Here without having good boundaries the quality of my giving has been seriously compromised. This I have discovered from painful experience and there are certain people who are expert in organizing guilt trips and exploiting our weakness. Finally, to always care for others can be a subtle diversion from caring for myself and looking after my own needs. It may simply amount to a spiritualized ego trip!
Sat June 7th – Poor Boundaries
By choosing to love my neighbour as myself can seem selfish but to live one’s life the other way around, as most people do, is to suffer from poor personal boundaries. This is where I live through others, and never know where I end and the other begins. This is where the urgent can take precedence over the important and I am so busy pleasing others that I end up neglecting my own needs. As a priest I can so easily get caught up in the work of the Lord that I forget about the Lord of the work and so spend little time in prayer and reflection. This is the occupational hazard of being a parent where children’s needs tend to come first. Recently a lady died in her 90’s who had a saying that was remarkable for her generation. ‘It’s a selfish mother that doesn’t know how to look after her own needs.’
Sun June 8th – Fathers’ Day
Today is both the feast of Pentecost and Fathers’ Day. Pentecost was when the Father poured out His love on the world beginning with that small and fearful bunch of early disciples and He so empowered them as to go out and change the then known world. In the matter of a few short years. This was to happen and in a manner that has baffled historians to this very day.
Fathers’ Day it is the one day in the year when fathers are entitled to put their feet up, be waited on, and still not feel the least bit guilty. It’s an appropriate day to reflect on the importance and significance that fathers have in our lives.
One thing worth noting is that your daddy may not be your father. In other words, the one who begot you may not be the one who reared, nourished and nurtured you. You might have been very close to your daddy and have never known your father. That’s how life often is. A priest was trying to explain the difference between knowing and believing and he took an unfortunate example. Take Mike and Ann Maguire and their six children for example he said. Ann knows that they are her children while for Mikey it has to be a matter of faith. All he can do is believe it!
When I think of my own father, I tend to feel a certain sadness that I never got to know him all that well and not just because he died when I was eleven. Several have said to me that I never knew the happy go lucky, jolly man that they knew before I became a toddler. To me he was a burdened broken man who had never come to terms with a series of major losses beginning with the death of his mother when he was five. As a result, he never could put his heart into farming and so growing up things were more than tight financially. Because of the things that were hurting him that he never spoke about he was also an angry man. Then when he had to discipline me, it often spilled over into punishment where he would completely lose his temper in a way that wasn’t so nice. Now I can understand where he was coming from and have no problem forgiving him. I would also have some tender memories of him being affectionate and kind. One stands out of getting lost in Tramore and being gone for ages which is every parent’s worst nightmare. When I was returned his response was like the good shepherd to place me on his shoulders with obvious delight. As a result of that gesture the image of Christ as the Good Shepherd became very real for me from then on.
When I invite you to think of your father what comes to mind? Was it someone who was close and affectionate or someone remote and distant? Today more and more fathers are warm and huggy with their kids while it’s amazing how so many in the past had great difficulty showing any form of affection. One woman said that the only memory of her father hugging her was when she was leaving for college. The chances are that the things that we most disliked in our fathers we will discover in ourselves. For example, the way we exchange a sign of peace or whether we feel comfortable with a hug is directly related to the amount of affection and hugs we received as a child.
In my own experience while I never knew my father as an adult, yet I was fortunate that I ended up with several great father figures in my life. These were good men who in their own way took me under their wing when I needed them most and from them, I learned so many of the skills that were part of their lives. One was a fisherman from whom I learned the skills of the sea, another an engineer and creative genius who taught me so much about how to be creative in life and to see possibilities where so many might only see problems. From them I learned that being a father to someone extends far beyond, and may not even include, the act of procreation.
That’s something of the psychological role of being a father that is about giving us inner strength, the ability to navigate through life in a rational manner and to pass on the customs and traditions that are part of our culture and community. Then there’s the spiritual role of being a father; namely to be the one who teaches us to call God Our Father and to have a real experience of what that means. As a father it is you who gives your child his or her earliest experiences of God as Father.
A father writing to other fathers about child rearing made these points that you might find interesting.
The child who drives you crazy making himself unlovable is the one who most needs your love. Children who don’t feel loved just settle for attention. Just think of Donald Trump, he doesn’t mind what suffering he causes as long as he is the centre of attention.
There can never be too much music or laughter in the home.
Every criticism you make needs to be balanced by acceptance praise and words of encouragement. Criticism damages self-esteem while encouragement builds it up.
Children need time and lots of it. Reading a book, telling a story or mending a toy is far more valuable than working 60 hours a week to buy things they might want but don’t really need.
Touching and hugging is more important than talking and they will remember it more. How you made them feel will be remembered long after what you said.
Holding kids responsible for their own choices and decisions gives them the best crack at maturity. Teach them not to blame but begin with yourself.
Don’t be overprotective. The danger for so many parents today is to try and cushion their children from all hardship. Yet without some suffering they will never develop the resilience they need later for adult life.
Don’t try to be a perfect parent, just do your best and you will be a good enough parent.
The way children respect and speak to each other is a reflection of the way their mother and father relate. Children absorb like sponges and reflect like mirrors.
If a child is without grandparents’ serious consideration should be given to adopting some. Life can be a bumpy road with just mum and dad and calls for a good pair of shock absorbers. Never keep children away from grandparents without very good reason.
Finally, it’s impossible to raise a child free of all hang-ups and wanting perfect children is a hang-up in itself.
Mon June 9th – Know Thyself
Much of ancient philosophy teaches a basic truth – Know Thyself. Self-knowledge forms the basis of all knowledge and even precedes self-acceptance since it is never possible to accept what we don’t know. If I know myself as an introvert who needs a lot of personal space and time to recharge my batteries, then by accepting that reality it saves me from comparing myself to and trying to be an extrovert who gets their energy from non-stop interaction with others. If I know where I carry hurt from the past, and am still vulnerable in certain situations, it gives me permission to not place myself in circumstances that will aggravate that hurt or spend too long with people who drain my energy. Simply knowing myself is an integral part of loving myself and from there the unconditional acceptance I give to myself can extend to others.