Jim Cogley: Reflections Tues 31 Oct – Mon 6th Nov 2023
Tue 31st Oct – Let’s Pretend
As children we often played the game of pretending to be someone grown up like a doctor a policeman, a teacher or a nurse. Behind this game of make-believe another game of pretense was often taking place. We may have been pretending to our playmates that everything was okay when it was not. Our pretense was a lie to avoid the truth from being known. We were learning to live in denial. Dad’s fondness for the drink may have left us poor and even hungry, but we pretended that we were well off. Mum may have been suffering from depression and spending days in bed, yet we saw her dress up weekly and go out socialising as if everything was normal. The home many have been chaotic and unkept, yet we pretended it was clean and tidy. If parents were arguing, or even violent, no one ever knew about our sleepless nights being terrified and wondering if one might murder the other. As much as we may try to put such memories behind us, they remain right in front, until we have the courage to face and integrate them.
Wed 1st Nov – Denial – Not just a river in Egypt!
The pretense of childhood becomes the denial of adult life. This is where in the words of TS Eliot we ’put on a face to meet the faces that we meet’ and end up ‘measuring out our life in coffee spoons’. In other words our denial of reality divorces us from all reality and deprives us of the richness that comes with depth. Coming into adult life may have led us to believe that we could finally leave behind the pain and memories of a dysfunctional childhood. Following our chosen career may have given us temporary relief from the past and for a period we could hide behind a professional persona. At some point our mask is destined to crack, no matter how well constructed it may have been. Here is where we begin to feel undermined and overwhelmed by forces that seem haunting and hostile. This has the potential to be our awakening moment that initially we resist with all our might. What appears to be an end is just a new beginning.
Thurs 2nd Nov – Authority Idols
All of us in the older age bracket grew up at a time when children generally were not believed, while it was believed that those in authority could do no wrong. Teachers, clergy, neighbours, and often other family members were placed on a pedestal and tended to be revered. Any wrongdoing on their part was either justified or not believed. They were held in a place beyond reproach or questioning. To come home from school and say you were beaten black and blue, for many resulted in getting another beating for behaving so badly and letting down the family name. To report that someone had touched you inappropriately or that you had been abused was all too often not believed, or if it was, you were the one who had caused it to happen. So often children who spoke their truth were classed as liars. It was easier for parents to believe their children were not telling the truth than to face the truth that their authority idols had feet of clay.
Fri 3rd Nov – Seen but not Heard
Children were ‘to be seen but not heard’ used to be the prevailing philosophy that so many of us grew up with. Like so many beliefs that were practiced this was never questioned so its harmful consequences went unnoticed. It fostered a culture of unquestioning acceptance in relation to home, school and church. Children were not entitled to having a voice. Carried forward into adult life the inner child who was consigned to the dungeon of silence will demand to still be heard. As adults we will still be doing to that child what was done earlier; we won’t want to listen and so in not feeling loved he or she will settle for attention. Our inner child will still demand to be heard to the point of even making us sick.
Sat 4th Nov – Neither Heard nor Seen
Not only were children to be seen but not heard there are so many who were neither. In counselling work, it is quite common for someone to say, ‘I grew up neither being seen or heard. I was the invisible one in the family’. Not being seen or heard is quite common in womb-twin survivors whether they are aware that they are or not. However, it also has so many different causes. In a troubled family, where a mother is already overburdened, the child can instinctively feel itself to be an extra burden and resolves to ‘disappear’ and make as little demands as possible except for basic needs. Where a child immediately before was lost the next may never feel seen because the ability of the parents to see that next child is impaired by their focus still being on the one who went before. Also, in a large family becoming the unseen and unheard one can become a survival strategy.
Sun 5th Nov – Humility
To exhalt myself is to end up being humbled while to humble myself is to experience being exhalted. We probably all know people who love to promote themselves, who want to be seen to be important, who if there is a dignitary around will be the first to seek out his company. They love to name drop and have a huge need to impress. There is something in us that reacts very negatively to that kind of behaviour and deep down we delight in seeing such people reduced to their true greatness.
The virtue of humility has always been considered to be one of the great Christian virtues and something that we should be continually developing as we journey through life.
The word humility comes from the Latin word for soil, which is humus. We are fashioned from the dust of the earth and it is back to the dust we must go. Almost everything has its roots in the earth and it is from that root word, humus, that many other words find their origin. Words like ‘holy’ has its roots there and so it carries the sense of being rooted in reality or being earthy as opposed to being heavenly. The word ‘whole’ and ‘wholesome’ also go back to there and carries the sense of having a well-rounded character. Other words with their roots in the word humus are ‘honesty’, ‘honour’ and ‘humour’.
So, what is humility? First let’s consider what it’s not. Many of us have a tendency to be quite hard or harsh or over critical towards ourselves and it’s certainly not that. Nor is it to be unforgiving or judgmental towards myself.
Many equate humility with being passive and letting others walk all over us like a doormat. It’s certainly not that since the passive person just hides their feelings and lacks respect for themselves.
If that’s something of what humility is not, then what is it?
A humble person is one who doesn’t take offence too easily. You don’t feel that you are always walking on ice with them and you don’t have to always watch what you are saying when in their company. So often when we’re offended, we say my pride was hurt, and of course pride is the opposite of humility. A wise person once said that a good measure of holiness is how easily or how often do we get upset!
Humility is to be compassionate, understanding and forgiving towards oneself and this in turn spreads out in our relationships with others.
Some are surprised to learn that true humility is to have a sense of my own greatness, of the wonder of my being and to recognise that this is all pure gift. Mary who is presented as the great model of humility could say, ‘He that is mighty has done great things for me holy is his name and henceforth all generations will call me blessed.’
Having a sense of humour is also a characteristic of humility where we don’t take ourselves too seriously. It is to be able to laugh, not at, but with others and at ourselves for all our shortcomings and peculiarities.
Having humility is also to be virtually un-shockable about whatever nasty, lustful, selfish or unsavoury streaks that we discover in our nature from time to time. They too are part of our make-up and need to be treated not with contempt but with hospitality before they can be transformed by the all-embracing love of God.
We are never the nice tidy parcel of goodness and respectability we might like to be but are more often a bundle of contradictions. Yet thankfully it is the whole bundle that God wants and loves and if we don’t accept everything that we are and bring it to Him, how can his love ever transform us?
Mon 6th Nov – Adult Pretence
The pretence of childhood follows through into adult life, where we give the impression that all is well even when it is the very opposite. Our face may be smiling even when our heart in in our boots. The public or professional persona that we portray may be so well developed that no one might guess what is going on underneath. The greeting that is also a query, ‘how are you’ is usually answered by ‘fine’. However, if that question is followed by, ‘how are you really’, the answer can be quite different. FINE here can be an anacronym for Fecked up Insecure, Neurotic and Eccentric. We admire people who are open and honest about their feelings, and what is going on in their lives, yet when it comes to ourselves, so many hide their true selves out of a fear that if they were real they might not be accepted.